Losing Out on Memories

I'm not entirely sure how to approach this post, but what else is new? At the moment, I'm sitting in a hotel room in The Battery Atlanta, only 3-4 blocks away from Truist Park where the Atlanta Braves are playing the Houston Astros in Game 5 of the World Series; a win and Atlanta will have won their first Major League Baseball championship since 1995. I'm here because I'm wrapping up my eighth year as a volunteer at Anime Weekend Atlanta--my fourteenth year as an attendee. And to be honest, it was really, really difficult for me. The work wasn't hard--it rarely ever is--but the toll that the countless hours spent walking throughout the unforgiving Dealers Room floor hit like a heavy object to my feet. Thursday was simple, we laid out some tape and waited to see if we could actually do anything; we couldn't. On the other hand, Friday made me feel like I wanted to never come to this convention again. By the end of my shift on Friday, I was just overwhelmed by the pain coming from my feet--so overwhelmed that I literally laid down at around 9 PM and did not get up until 10 AM the next day. I needed 12+ hours of doing nothing that required me to put any weight on my feet just for it to become bearable enough for me to walk on. This is probably the first con where I had to bow out before 8 PM each night because I just could not bear the pain. By the end of the con, and as I sit here watching the World Series in the comfort of my hotel room, I'm still questioning where I stand in regards to next year.

Professional Betrayal is Nothing New

Your co-workers are only your co-workers. They are not your acquaintances, companions, friends, or pals, they are your co-workers and any relationship with them ends when the timeclock is punched. I suppose I am the fool for continuing to believe that my social circle could include those that share the same employer as me. Time after time, job after job, I continue to allow myself to be lulled into a false sense of comfort, tricked into confining in those that seek to harm me, and fooled into trusting people that should not be trusted. To be frank, WWE legend Stone Cold Steve Austin said it best:

D.T.A. Don't Trust Anybody!

Look, I'm not going to place the blame anyone else for the situation that I find myself in because I was the fool that incorrectly believed he had found co-workers that he could trust despite prior experiences saying otherwise. All I know is that my best course of action going forward is to simply put my head down and do my job.

How's It Going?

It's Sunday at Dragon Con and I am being lazy.

A September-Dated Post

I'm currently sitting in my room at Dragon Con as I wait for my bowels to behave normally, and allow me to function in a manner that does not require me to run for the toilet every 10-15 minutes. TMI? Probably, but I'm annoyed at this recent turn of events, and how it is prohibiting me from participating in the revelry of Dragon Con. BUT, I will count myself as being fortunate that I have access to "clean" facilities, and to be honest, Dragon Con TV has allowed me to watch panels that I would have otherwise attempted to attend in person. Now, before anyone gets any ideas:  No, I was not sick when I arrived and I believe this is merely an instance where consuming too much food and drink in too short of a period of time has agitated me (or at the very least, my bowel system). Anyways, that's all I wanted to say for now.

Looking Forward to August 2021

Professionally, the start of August sees another "long-time" employee leaving our organization, but unlike the departures in July, this employee is moving to a new position with one of our partner organizations. This employee's exit also marks the first staffer to leave our organization in part due to internal conflicts with another member of our staff. I am not here to pass judgment in either direction nor am I here to "spill the tea," but it is an ongoing situation that has been playing out over the past few months. Actually, I should correct myself and say that this is actually not the first departure that has been affected by the ongoing issues within this specific department. In the actual first incident, the person had already been planning to leave; they just left earlier than initially expected. Anyway, our organization will only have six employees for a brief amount of time, but the following week will see us add a new employee, another manager-level staffer.

Our organization will be composed of one Executive Director that oversees all staffers, one Organizing Director that oversees three disgruntled staffers, one Communications Manager with no Communications staff, and one Operations Manager that also lacks staff. We are hiring, but everyone is aware of how difficult it is to find the right person for a position.

In addition to the staffing changes, I am still mired in an audit that never seems to end, and the best part of this situation is that I have to face this alone while participating in 14 hours of online training courses. (To be frank, there is nothing worse than progressive trainers that believe in their own hype because they expect others to work at "their level.") By the way, most of everything I have been writing about is happening in the first week of August.

So, before I spiral too far into a work-related despair, let's talk about some of the activities and events that I am looking forward to personally. As I am writing this post, I have the CONCACAF Gold Cup final match between Mexico and the United States playing on my television in the background. Speaking of soccer, the United States women's Olympic soccer team faces Canada in the semifinal of the 2020 2021 Olympic women's soccer tournament; kickoff is at 4 AM/ET.

• Atlanta United (MLS) has three home matches in August.
• Atlanta United 2 (USL Championship) has two home matches in August.
• Manchester United (EPL) kicks off its 2021-22 English Premier League campaign on August 14 against Leeds United; kickoff is scheduled for 7:30 AM/ET.

And if you read my "Look Back at July 2021" post, then you will have seen that I am going to Las Vegas for the first time ever in mid-August. Personally, August is shaping up to be a much more enjoyable month than July but I am prepared for all of it to go down the drain because of the Delta variant and moronic anti-vaxxers who refuse to get the COVID vaccine.

Anyway, I think I am going to conclude this post here because the thought of revisiting work-related items is more than I want to think about at this moment. (Timestamp Note:  Paul Arriola has missed a second sitter in this final, knocking a loose ball directly into the falling Mexican goalkeeper.)

Look Back at July 2021

July 2021 was a difficult month for me. At work, I spent my days aimlessly preparing for an audit that has now carried into August. Still, in addition to audit preparations, I was preparing for the pending changes to our organization. These changes had been expected; we were aware of these departures when we hired each of these individuals. But, what I was not prepared to handle was how much their resignations, specifically, two of the three resignees, would affect me personally. Also, I was surprised to find out which of the departures most hurt me. In all honestly, I genuinely thought that the exit of my "workplace bestie" would have the most effect on me because I had worked with her the longest, and we had developed a reasonably open and honest relationship with one another. I felt that we could confide in one another what we could never share with others; we even shared tears over our own anxieties. And yet, when it came to her last day with our organization and with me, it did not affect me in the way I imagined it would have affected me. I believe the cause was that she was already gone. At the beginning of July, she moved to another state, and it felt like our connection had already begun to thin out. I hope that I am wrong, and I have made an effort to try and maintain our relationship, but we will just have to wait and see.

Surprisingly, it was the departure of my assistant that affected me the hardest. In fact, her exit sent me into a crisis of confidence and brought me to tears. Even as I write this section about her, my eyes are beginning to tear up. In a way, this is hilarious because I did not want an assistant. I was stubborn, and I worried that this was an attempt to find a cheaper yet competent replacement for me. And yet, even though I only worked with her for about eight months, I realized that I loved having her around and that my life is now slightly more empty without her; she was my professional "crutch" and my emotional support. I have always been stubborn and resistant to asking for help, but she made it easy for me to seek assistance when I needed it. In a way, she prevented me from developing professional burnout as well as saved me from myself. She was sweet, laughed at all my silly jokes, and made me feel like I was actually capable of doing my job. I almost want to say that I sincerely love her, and I wish her the best in everything in her life. Anyway, I do think about her frequently--I almost planned a trip to the area where she moved in hopes that I might see her again, but I decided against it because I did not want to come off as weird.

Despite all of these losses to our organization and me, personally, I will admit that, in some strange fashion, their exits did motivate me to do things that I would not typically have done. And I did these things because I needed to find activities or distractions to take my mind off the pain I was experiencing. But before I get to that part, I wanted to reflect on some happier experiences before their emotional exits.

One thing I had been trying to work out was taking my assistant and her husband to their first professional soccer match, but as the date of her last day drew closer, the chances of this happening became slimmer with each passing day and game. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective), my assistant and her husband had difficulty finding accommodations in their new home for the next three or four years, which delayed their move by a week. It just happened that there was a match during the weekend they had planned on moving, so I acted swiftly as possible to secure tickets for them. And despite their late arrival, I shared their first matchday experience at a professional soccer match. From what I was told, they enjoyed the matchday experience, and I was able to find inspiration for one part of my assistant's farewell gift.

On my assistant's last day with our organization, I was able to take her along with another departing staffer out for lunch. It was a pleasant experience to provide them with a farewell meal alongside other members of our staff. I wish we had taken some photographs, but I suppose no one was feeling photogenic regardless sometimes; it is best to just enjoy the moment. To be honest, the rest of that day felt like a haze, but it was special to me (and hopefully, the others).

It was strange that there loomed another significant moment for one of our other staffers amidst all of farewells and sadness: a nikkah. I will say that I still do not know what a nikkah is, but it appeared to be a religious ceremony like a traditional wedding but not entirely because, as far as I know, the bride, our staffer, and her fiance are not married in a legal sense. Regardless of my understanding (or lack of), one of our employees was about to participate in a special life event, and she had invited me to attend (albeit rather crudely via a text message). I honestly did not think much about it because I viewed the invitation more as a courtesy than a sincere wish that I would attend, but I ended up attending the nikkah. And I am glad I did because (1) it offered me an opportunity to experience something different, (2) it provided me a chance to learn more about a couple of our staffers (current, recently departed, and long since exited), and (3) it allowed me to see an old colleague of ours (i.e., the long since existed). The ceremony was beautiful and elaborate, and the fellowship I shared with my work colleagues was a nice reminder of what I still had at the organization. I may not be as close to my remaining colleagues (yet) as I was to my "work bestie" and my assistant; I still have people I want to grow closer to and protect.

Finally, I closed out July with a couple of solid highs. The first came on Tuesday when I attended The Hella Mega Tour featuring Green Day, Fall Out Boy, and Weezer. And it was amazing! It was the first genuine concert I attended in well over a half-decade, and it was probably the first "super" concert hosted in Georgia since the start of the pandemic. I snapped a ridiculous amount of photographs and videos throughout the show, and I may one day decide to upload and share them but today is not that day. The second high I alluded to happened last night when my long-time friend and I booked a holiday for later this month to Las Vegas. This trip will be my first one to Las Vegas and my second overnight and out-of-state excursion this year, which is remarkable considering my past.

Anyway, I believe that is all I have for July 2021--here is to August 2021!

The Day Ahead of Me

It is Thursday. And to be honest, there is nothing special about today except I am waking up in a hotel room about an hour's drive from home. In 2021, I have found myself in hotel rooms more frequently than in any other year of my life. It is not because I am traveling with any real purpose, but because I can, and to some extent, because I can. Today will not be much different than any other day this week. In fact, it will be far less strenuous than two Thursdays ago or even yesterday by comparison.

Today, I will go into work--a much shorter commute than my usual commute--perhaps, I will have company at the office, or maybe I will be alone. There are benefits to both situations, but I would be lying if I did not say that I preferred to be alone. In an office, being alone equals freedom--a nearly unlimited, untethered flexibility that, given the day, could lead to greater productivity or total apathy; I cannot say which of these two options will be my mindset for the day.

The only thing I know as of now is that I am here and that I have been given another day on this planet, and whether or not I make it through the day and onto the next day is out of my hands but for now and in this moment, I am here, and it is today. Well, that sounds more ominous than I intended.

The Winds of Change

I have been thinking about change a lot lately. I think about the need for me to move forward from my mother's passing. I think about how I want to alter my current lifestyle and very recently, I have been thinking about change in the workplace. Change in the workplace is an inevitable, people get older and they retire, people find better positions and they resign, and people return to school and they leave. At the beginning of this year, there was a lot of change in personnel. People brought on for the runoff ran out their contracts and those that had been with us for longer were also released because of the nature of our organization. To be fair, I knew very few of these individuals and their departures did not strike a cord with me, but during the course of the next few months, two individuals will be taking their leave from our organization: (1) a coworker that came onboard only in November of last year but has worked closely to everyday during their tenure and (2) a coworker that worked with me a couple of years back on a campaign that I was managing.

For the first, I feel as though I have become too reliant upon them at times and I honestly do not know how I will make the adjustment to having do many of the tasks that I had asked them to do. To be honest, I was hesitant and stubborn about bringing on someone to assist me. I was paranoid and a bit offended that people felt I needed the help, but I did and she really came through and got me through a rough patch.

The second hits a bit harder because I felt that we did connect beyond just being coworkers, I thought perhaps we could consider ourselves friends but I'm reminded time and time again that that's not actually the case. But, she's someone I have worked with, vented to, and even shed tears alongside and now, she's heading off to find her own success and hopefully, happiness.

Change is inevitable but without change, everything becomes stagnant, everything becomes boring. Perhaps, it is for the best, but I am also some one that has never truly had anything long term in my life. All I can do is go with the flow and hope for the best for myself (and for those that I have cared about in my life).

Good Thought, Poor Execution

I said I wanted to travel more, I wanted to get out of the house more, and in a way, I have achieved these things but the problem is that I haven't really gone anywhere. Tonight marks my third "trip" of the year but is it really a trip you just go an hour away from home?

My first "trip" was at the turn of the year and it wasn't really a trip so much as me staying at a hotel closer to the office. It was a nice hotel and I wasn't at home but it was work-related.

My second "trip" was an overnighter following a midweek Atlanta United match. In the past, I would have just ground it out and got home around midnight, but this year; I decided to do otherwise.

This leads me to this "trip" but instead of an Atlanta United match, it was an Atlanta United 2 match. Yeah, this doesn't quite feel right but baby steps, right?

Happy Birthday Old Lady (Mom)!

Photo by Guilman from Pexels

She would have turned 57 years young today. I love you and I miss you every day.

Why J+30?

In case anyone was wondering why I use J+30 as the abbreviation for John Past 30. It is because I frequently forget the name of the site and think it is John Plus 30.

The State of John Past 30

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels

I started this site nearly seven years ago as a continuation to another site, John in Year 30 (J30). J30 is (was) an online journal that I started on my thirtieth birthday and chronicled that year of my life. It was a fun and exciting project that provided me (1) a medium to practice and sharpen my writing skills and (2) a platform for me to vent my frustrations in a relatively anonymous manner. But towards the end of J30, I realized that maintaining an almost daily journal was becoming too difficult to manage. But I wanted to continue writing (and venting), so I decided to start John Past 30 (J+30).

With J+30, I altered my direction and focused my writing on a wide array of subjects that either piqued my interests or were trending at the moment rather than writing exclusively about the happenings of my personal life. I also introduced regular columns to the site to create a routine for me and encourage me to continue to write because sometimes the greatest obstacle to writing is finding something to write. And so, I wrote about soccer, anime, comics, and other pop culture topics in addition to the occasional personal happenings in my life. But then things started to change, and I found myself becoming overwhelmed by changes happening in my life; I was in a dark place, and I decided I could not continue to maintain J+30.

Between 2016 and 2020, I struggled with my personal and professional life; a lot was happening. But eventually, things started to turnaround, and I found myself in a better position personally and professionally. And then COVID-19 happened, and everything came to a halt, and then everything important to me personally crashed down around me. (See my previous posts for context.) Again, I found myself in a dark place, but this time around, I had professional responsibilities to manage in addition to my personal grief and hardship. To be honest, it has taken me over nine months to reach the point in which I am comfortable with the idea of moving forward, and this is where we are today.

What is the state (or status) of J+30? The honest answer is:  "I don't know." But I can say that J+30 will remain an accessible site with all of its errors and flaws intact. I may come to regret this decision given the over 300 posts published between the two sites, but what would be the point in trying to scrub my past? All I can hope for is that if there are any problematic opinions or posts, people will understand that I am continually growing as a person and that if I genuinely hurt or offended you, I am sorry.

As for my plans on posting on J+30, I am confident that I will continue to publish posts as long as I have access to this site, but I am fairly certain that I will not be publishing posts on any schedule or with any regularity. There may be periods where I am driven to write, and I have topics that I want to write about. And then, there may be times where I will not post anything at all for extended periods because of various reasons. In summation, the state of John Past 30 is the same as it has been since its inception: MEH.

Moving Forward

A few weeks have passed since my last post, and in this time, I have reflected upon the words written and the emotions expressed within the post, and I realized that everything I said was necessary. My last post was something I needed to express, and it was something I needed to "get off my chest." Over nine months had passed since my mother passed away, and not once did I express my grief in such an open manner. I know that I will always carry these feelings with me, but I no longer need to carry them alone because my feelings are now public for anyone to see.

Photo by JESHOOTS.com from Pexels

I am MOVING FORWARD! No, I am not moving on because I could never move on from the person that brought me into this world, but I am moving forward in hopes of living a life that she would be proud of. To be honest, I do not know what this means, but I know that living in a way that even slightly resembles the way she lived is already better than the life I lived.

7.260: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I have a lot of regrets. I live with a lot of regrets. And for all of the grief and regrets I carry, no regret will ever be greater than the regret I carry about how I behaved and felt during the final weeks of my mother’s life and how as we prepare to come out of this pandemic; she won’t be there with us. I cannot ever fathom her feelings as she let go of life following her rapid decline in health, I cannot ever imagine what she thought as it became clearer and clearer, despite her dimming eyesight, that her family, me—most of all, felt as though she was becoming a growing burden on their lives. The feelings that she must have felt as I intentionally and purposely abandoned her during her greatest time of need under the guise of work. It is painfully obvious to everyone but me that I do not need to go to the office to work. But I just could not be bothered, I could not be bothered to show affection to her, I could not be bothered to care for her, and I could not be bothered to be there for her. My last true interaction with her was me testing her blood sugar and then, most likely, making some cold and unfeeling generic comment as I worked out the door. Hell, even as I was leaving work to return home, I thought of ways to prolong my commute until I received the call from my father that something was wrong with my mother and that I needed to come home immediately. And even as I arrived home that night to the scenes of emergency vehicles leaving and my aunt, my uncle, and my father trying to figure out what was next, all I could think of was how much of a pain this was going to be on me; having to go to the hospital in the midst of a pandemic. At one point, a neighbor came by to check in on what was happening and I pretty much brushed her off; the EMTs had restored a pulse and she was headed to the hospital for what I thought would be another prolonged stay but she would be back and we would have another round of medical debt to add to the already large debt we had already accrued. Honestly, I did not think much of it as I left the hospital that night. I figured that it would be tough but that they would get things fixed and she’d be facing a tough and lonely recovery but she would be at the hospital where they would take care of her. I was oblivious to the possibility that within less than a day; I would have to be the one to make the decision to formally end her life. Yes, that’s right; I did it! I ENDED MY MOM’S LIFE! And that is just  more blood on my hands that I have to live with for the rest of my life. But let’s be honest, I ended it long before the decision to take her off of life support was made; I ended it by being a failure as a child despite my claims of being the “good son”.