In just a few short hours, it will have been a week since my grandfather passed away.
At this time last week, I was likely seated beside my grandfather watching a United States men's national team match--clueless about what was to come. And in about an hour or so, it will mark the approximate time in which I last stood within the presence of my grandfather while he was alive. At 12:12 AM EDT on Sunday, May 29, 2016, my grandfather left this world.
To be honest, I do not have many regrets about the final days and weeks of my grandfather's life except one: I regret having not said good bye to him as I left to return home that night. Despite understanding the gravity of the situation concerning his declining health, I still took for granted the time he had left in this world. In my mind, I would be back the next day to seat by his side and that by some miracle, he would muster the strength needed to recover long enough for him to say that he refused to die at this moment and that he wanted to live but I realize that this was not likely.
Immediately following his passing, I decided that I could not become emotional and that I needed to remain an apathetic and resolute stalwart for my family and yet, all I did was become isolated and withdrawn. In some part, it was my own laziness that prevented me from taking a larger role in the preparation of the nearly week-long funeral ceremonies and in other parts; it was my unwillingness to expose myself to the reality that we were about to cremate my grandfather and that he would no longer be among us anymore--forever.
In truth, I'm not certain if anybody in my family has really considered the effects the passing of my grandfather will have on our family because everyone involved has been so preoccupied with hosting, prepping, and cleaning for the past week. But now, everything is done and all we have now is a future in which my grandfather is gone. Undoubtedly, the individual that his passing will effect the most is his daughter--my aunt--because she has dedicated the better part of the past decade or so to caring for him and now: an empty room and bed that her father--my grandfather--once occupied and incredible amount of medical products and equipment with no purpose. Of course, it is not just her that will be effected by my grandfather's passing. I could go on and on about the details involving my family's dynamics with one another but I don't feel as though that would serve any purpose.
As for me, I will finally start my new job Monday. One of the more odd things to come out of this situation is that I managed to find myself in a new position with a higher pay rate without having worked a single minute. Perhaps, it is some sort of blessing but more likely, it was coincidence--a coincidence that I see no reason to question at this point. Of course, I want to still work in a library at some point down the line but I feel like that goal is becoming more unrealistic with each passing day. It is a new day for my family and I and while I want to believe it will be a better day; I remain cautious.
