2.186: Excuses

I'm a procrastinator.

I will not deny it.  In fact, I relish in this fact.

Of course, procrastination is detrimental to my productivity and slacking is something I cannot afford now.

I often contemplate taking measures to remedy this behavior, but nothing comes from my "efforts".

Why?  To be frank, it is because (1) I am lazy and (2) I enjoy creating excuses and then drafting posts about these excuses to publish.

The former reason for my inability to overcome procrastination is self-explanatory.

The latter reason requires further explanation, but not too much explanation.  Basically, it boils down to the fact that creating excuses and then writing about the excuses allows me to (1) increase my post count and (2) procrastinate more.

If I spent as much time on being productive as I do on creating excuses for not being productive, then this issue would be resolved.  But it is never that easy and even if I resolved this issue, I would still need to figure out how to overcome my laziness and that is an exercise that would require far more resolve than I currently possess.

I am writing all of this because I am procrastinating and not focusing on finding my passion.  For now, I will say that I am going to wait until 2016, but I am not too confident about the prospects of any sort of advancement in my journey.  Also, I am not in the mood to carry much from 2015 into 2016 because I simply want this year to end and I want to leave the final quarter of the year in the past. Excuses

2.180: Airing of Grievances

Less than ten minutes before the conclusion of Festivus and while I have no pole nor anyone to compete with at feats of strength, I could not let this opportunity to express some grief pass.  Here we go!

#1

I hate the belief that I am required to care about an individual simply because I share a bloodline with them.  In my opinion, the idea of family goes beyond blood--it involves a deep-rooted respect for an individual and an expectation that he/she will (1) have your back and (2) not hurt you or others you care about (physically and/or emotionally).

I could go on about this point and I just may at some point down the line, but for now: GRIEVANCES!

#2

I hate the fact that I have little control over my life and that my life is often in the hands of petty and small individuals.  I understand that a large portion of the blame lies upon my shoulders, but I have lived my life according to the rules of others and I have seen very little in the means of payoff.

#3

I hate supporters of Seattle sports teams (with the exception of Mariners fans because I do not know any and I do not care about baseball).  To be honest, I am not certain of why I feel the way I feel--I suppose you have to pick one sports city to hate and Seattle is it for me.

Anyways, enough for now. Happy Festivus (or what is left)!

2.179: Stuff I Fancy

Star Wars:  The Force Awakens

I loved the film and I would highly recommend it to anyone, especially, if they would not mind me tagging along because I would definitely watch it again.  I will admit that I am not an overzealous fanboy of the franchise, but I will also admit that there were moments during the film that made me fanboy squeal internally.  Anyways, I could go into further details about why I enjoyed the film, but there are plenty of glowing reviews available to read that would do this film far more justice than what I could offer.  BUT SERIOUSLY, GO SEE IT (and may the Force be with you)!

2.177: Stuff I Fancy

Before I continue on my search for enlightenment, I wanted to share some thoughts on a few books, films, and shows I recently finished.

Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book and I would highly recommend it to anyone that is not racist and is interested in a beautifully written book about the black experience in America.

The Hunger Games:  Mockingjay, Part II

I will say this about the “final” installment of The Hunger Games film series:  I liked it better than the book.

One Punch Man

It is an incredibly entertaining series that is action-packed and light-hearted and I would recommend it to anyone that is in need of something fast-paced (only 12 episodes) and for this run; does not take itself too seriously.

2.173: Finding My Passion

“Find something you’re passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it.”

- Julia Childs

“Follow what you are genuinely passionate about and let that guide you to your destination.”

- Diane Sawyer

I am ready to admit that I am not a passionate individual.  From time to time, I will have a distraction that consumes a vast amount of my time, but I have never found that one thing that I am passionate about and that drives me.

If anything, I am an incredible “liker” of things (e.g. I like to write and I like to watch anime), but none of my “likes” or interests have ever evolved into a passion.  To be honest, a number of things I like are things would be better described as hobbies as oppose to passions.

Of course, the problem could lie with my perception of the term.  The quotes above should give an indication of my perception of passion, but to prevent any confusion:  Personally, a passion is the guiding belief (or force) that dictates every aspect of an individual’s existence.

“Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.”

- Alexander Hamilton

Over my thirty-two years of life, I have formed a series of personal beliefs about how things should be, but none of these beliefs have come to forefront as being the one guiding force.  And it is because of this and a few other personal flaws, I find myself in my current position.

It is because of my absence of conviction that I have made the decision to find my passion because I cannot accept the idea of remaining stagnant and pointlessly meandering through life.  At 32, I am desperately seeking a focus and a purpose, but most importantly; I am seeking a passion!

Fortunately, I do have a handful of beliefs that can become a meaningful, guiding passion that can make a difference to not only me, but to others too:

• Education:  I firmly believe that access to quality education is not a privilege, but a right that should be afforded to all and I believe this because I believe that an educated community is a prosperous community.  I was the first member of my family to not only attend college, but to graduate from college--twice!  But, the cost of obtaining a higher education has left me with a considerable amount of debt that will take years to clear.  The desire to educate and improve one's self should not mean I will have to start two steps behind my more fortunate (or affluent) peers that did not need to incur debt to afford college and yet, this is the situation that countless college graduates confront upon completion of their degree programs.
• Immigration:  As the son of immigrants, I have witnessed first-hand the difficulties of navigating the immigration system in the United States of America.  I have experienced both the heartbreak and the joy that comes from having a family member either denied or granted entry in the United States of America.  In fact, my original plan for college was to earn a Law degree and work as an immigration attorney so that I could assist individuals dealing with similar situations.  I believe that rather than close the doors to immigrants, our country should be embracing immigrants and simplifying the process of gaining lawful entry into the country. Our nation is a nation built upon the backs of immigrants and yet, we shun them and use them as scapegoats to explain our own shortcomings.  And that is wrong!
• Social Justice:  I realize that phrase "social justice" is a loaded and vague phrase that encompasses a wide array of issues, but in fact; the phrase is based upon a simple premise--a premise that I believe in:  all individuals should be afford the same rights as any other individual regardless of age, ethnicity, gender identification, race, religious affiliation, socioeconomic status, or sexual orientation (i.e. treat everyone equally regardless of our differences).  Women are equal to men and should be afforded the same wages and socially-accepted norms.  The bonds that help form homosexual couples are no different than the bonds that form the basis of heterosexual couples and therefore there should be no distinction between the two in regards to marital rights and status.  And I could go on and on with the various examples of social justice issues I believe in, but I will examine it in greater detail in future posts.

Yes, I intend to publishing more posts about my journey to discovering the passion that will drive me in my life decisions because I know that it is going to be a long and arduous task that will not be completed in a single journal post.  To be honest, it may never be something I discover, but I need to make this effort because I know that I should be doing more with my life.  Also, I do apologize for any and all grammatical errors--I love to write, but grammar was never a strong point--and for the length of this post though in comparison to my other posts; this post only seems drawn out.

2.168

I know that my last post ended on a sour note, but that is my current reality.  But, my mood swings are temporary and at present, I am feeling better.  Progress on my employment search remains at a standstill, but I did (1) look for positions and (2) assembled a grill with my father today. I understand that remaining stagnant neither assists nor benefits my search for employment, but I cannot summon the will necessary to put myself forward for criticism and judgment at this time; my mind is not in a good place.  Yes, the quick and easy solution would be to get over it and just do it, but that suggestion is as callous as it is difficult to actually do.  I am undergoing a personal crisis of confidence and fears of failure and rejection are overwhelming my psyche.  Please do not perceive this expression of emotion as simple whining, but rather view this expression as my way of releasing built up frustration and anguish.  The thirty-second year of my life over the course of the past two months has not been good and I need a way to overcome this rut and this is one of the ways I choose to cope.  I will not promise anything about the quality and mood of future posts because I cannot make that promise.  Some days will be good, other days will be bad, and the only constant that exists between each pending day is that I will never be certain of what will happen next…

2.167

As funny as it sounds, I have started work on another online project.  Unfortunately, I have been as productive with it as I have been with this journal and my employment search.  Regardless, I try (and I usually fail).  So, why am I sharing this information?  I am sharing this information because I wanted to write and I actually wanted to publish something tonight because the other post I am currently drafting is quickly turning into nonsensical rubbish (much like everything else I write).  In case anyone was wondering, my employment search has come to a complete halt as I have hit the inevitable wall of laziness and self-doubt.  It has been nearly two months since my termination and in this time, I have received one interview (which I failed because I did not get the position) and about seven rejection notices.  I have applied at various academic institutions, public libraries, and even a medical manufacturing company and nothing has panned out and I am now under the belief that I have been secretly blacklisted from library employment by previous employers.  Why do I believe I have been blacklisted?  I believe that I have been blacklisted because I continue to hear stories of how other former coworkers with less experience (and in multiple cases, I trained) are receiving interview requests or being hired for positions I also applied for.  Of course, I could be paranoid, but the lack of response to my applications despite my experience and education is incredibly discouraging.  I cannot understand it—I cannot understand why the individual responsible for hiring me at my previous library would not even give me an interview and yet she requested an interview from a friend that only worked part-time for about a year.  I cannot understand why my alma mater would hire an individual with less than a half-year of experience in a part-time, non-supervisory role rather than the individual that trained her when she was hired.  I hear these stories, I receive little or no response and what response I do receive; it is negative.  I am at a loss and what little confidence I had at the start of this misadventure has dissipated into a farce that I put on in front of friends to ensure them that they do not need to worry about me.  To be honest, I hoped that writing this out would help, but it has only made me more frustrated…