Happy Birthday Old Lady (Mom)!

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She would have turned 57 years young today. I love you and I miss you every day.

Why J+30?

In case anyone was wondering why I use J+30 as the abbreviation for John Past 30. It is because I frequently forget the name of the site and think it is John Plus 30.

The State of John Past 30

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I started this site nearly seven years ago as a continuation to another site, John in Year 30 (J30). J30 is (was) an online journal that I started on my thirtieth birthday and chronicled that year of my life. It was a fun and exciting project that provided me (1) a medium to practice and sharpen my writing skills and (2) a platform for me to vent my frustrations in a relatively anonymous manner. But towards the end of J30, I realized that maintaining an almost daily journal was becoming too difficult to manage. But I wanted to continue writing (and venting), so I decided to start John Past 30 (J+30).

With J+30, I altered my direction and focused my writing on a wide array of subjects that either piqued my interests or were trending at the moment rather than writing exclusively about the happenings of my personal life. I also introduced regular columns to the site to create a routine for me and encourage me to continue to write because sometimes the greatest obstacle to writing is finding something to write. And so, I wrote about soccer, anime, comics, and other pop culture topics in addition to the occasional personal happenings in my life. But then things started to change, and I found myself becoming overwhelmed by changes happening in my life; I was in a dark place, and I decided I could not continue to maintain J+30.

Between 2016 and 2020, I struggled with my personal and professional life; a lot was happening. But eventually, things started to turnaround, and I found myself in a better position personally and professionally. And then COVID-19 happened, and everything came to a halt, and then everything important to me personally crashed down around me. (See my previous posts for context.) Again, I found myself in a dark place, but this time around, I had professional responsibilities to manage in addition to my personal grief and hardship. To be honest, it has taken me over nine months to reach the point in which I am comfortable with the idea of moving forward, and this is where we are today.

What is the state (or status) of J+30? The honest answer is:  "I don't know." But I can say that J+30 will remain an accessible site with all of its errors and flaws intact. I may come to regret this decision given the over 300 posts published between the two sites, but what would be the point in trying to scrub my past? All I can hope for is that if there are any problematic opinions or posts, people will understand that I am continually growing as a person and that if I genuinely hurt or offended you, I am sorry.

As for my plans on posting on J+30, I am confident that I will continue to publish posts as long as I have access to this site, but I am fairly certain that I will not be publishing posts on any schedule or with any regularity. There may be periods where I am driven to write, and I have topics that I want to write about. And then, there may be times where I will not post anything at all for extended periods because of various reasons. In summation, the state of John Past 30 is the same as it has been since its inception: MEH.

Moving Forward

A few weeks have passed since my last post, and in this time, I have reflected upon the words written and the emotions expressed within the post, and I realized that everything I said was necessary. My last post was something I needed to express, and it was something I needed to "get off my chest." Over nine months had passed since my mother passed away, and not once did I express my grief in such an open manner. I know that I will always carry these feelings with me, but I no longer need to carry them alone because my feelings are now public for anyone to see.

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I am MOVING FORWARD! No, I am not moving on because I could never move on from the person that brought me into this world, but I am moving forward in hopes of living a life that she would be proud of. To be honest, I do not know what this means, but I know that living in a way that even slightly resembles the way she lived is already better than the life I lived.